Chapter 309
My whole body goes cold as I hear Aaron’s order for the doctor.
Well, colder than I already felt, anyway.
It’s like there’s ice water in my veins instead of blood.
I wonder if that’s better or worse than the white–hot lava of rage that’d been boiling through my body since Aaron told me he was leaving and I saw that bitch, Leah, who just keeps ruining my life over and over.
Axel helps me to my feet and then leads me over to the bed.
“That won’t be necessary,” Axel says in a clipped tone, and I can practically feel him standing protectively over me. “She’s calm now. She won’t get angry like that again, will you, Emily?”
The way he says my name–almost making it sound exotic when it’s plain as Jane–makes me shiver and I quickly shake my head, avoiding the judging gazes of both Aaron and the doctor.
“She did cut her hands, though,” Axel continues, tone a little more reasonable now it seems like Aaron’s not about to sedate me into oblivion. “So maybe the Doc can take a look at that.”
The doctor looks questioningly at Aaron, waiting for permission, only moving toward me when Aaron gives a single nod.
eyes are ghillering with his wolf.
Anger is practically radiating off him.
I know he’s upset about what I did–attacking his wife and mate, the woman who is technically my Luna and the one I should look to above all other female pack members–but I think he’s also pissed at what he overheard.
About Axel being my mate and rejecting me.
I wonder what Aaron is angrier about.
The fact that someone like Axel is my mate in the first place, or that Axel rejected me out of hand without even giving us a chance to know one another?
What will I do if Aaron insists on Axel honoring the mating bond after all?
I can’t decide if I’m intrigued or terrified by the idea.
Unbidden, I remember how Axel felt when he pinned me down in the hallway and clamped his teeth into the back of my neck to subdue me and make me submit.
Partly, I’d been furious about how my body was reacting, that I could want someone who has treated me so terribly. Someone who hasn’t bothered hiding the fact that he doesn’t like me and is forced to interact with me only by order of my Alpha brother.
When Axel had been on top of me–the weight of him bearing
me down, his hips flexing into mine, the alluring, masculine scent of him inundating my senses–all I’d wanted to do was submit.
To melt in a puddle beneath him and let him do whatever he wanted to me.
But it was a weakness to want that.
It was a weakness to want to kiss him just now.
And I’ve spent enough years being weak and helpless.
So instead, I’d turned that want into more anger.
Until I’d seen myself in the mirror.
I’d seen how close I was to becoming the monster on the outside that I was hiding on the inside.
And then, I’d only been furious and hateful toward myself.
All of this, I knew, wouldn’t inspire Aaron to have any confidence in me.
I’d be lucky if he didn’t just hand all of my responsibilities over to Jessica when he left, because I’d demonstrated yet again how I couldn’t handle things.
Except ever since we’d had the party, and I’d slowly but surely felt more comfortable with members of the pack over the last few days, parts of me that I’d thought were long dead and buried
were being brought back to life.
But it’s dangerous to feel those things.
I can’t get complacent and actually think I belong here among these wolves, with this pack that used to be my family.
Eventually I’m going to have to work out where to go and what I’m going to do, because I can’t stay here hiding what I am for the rest of my life.
One day soon, I might lose control even worse than I did today, and I know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I actually hurt someone.
The doctor checks my hands and says the wounds are superficial and should heal quickly enough on their own.
He then checks me over while Aaron and Axel stand by watching.
I can practically feel Aaron’s judgement and disappointment settling on my shoulders.
When the doctor finishes, he turns to Aaron and tells him I seem fine now, as though I’m not even in the room.
“I want you to leave several doses of sedative with Axel,” Aaron tells the doctor.
“Why?” I demand, even though I’m sure I don’t want to hear the
answer.
Aaron turns a level, aloof stare on me.
“So that next time you lose control like that, he can sedate you more quickly before you hurt yourself or anyone else.”
Next time.
Not if I lose control.
But next time.
Like I’m already a lost cause and it’s just a matter of time before I’m causing more drama.
I can’t decide if I’m about to get angry all over again, or this latest injustice just hurts.
Before I can say anything, Aaron turns his attention to my guard.
“Axel, we need to have a word.”
Axel nods in resignation and crosses the room without looking in my direction.
Aaron tells the doctor to stay with me until Axel gets back, but I flee into the bathroom, telling him I’m going to wash the blood off my hands.
I almost want to demand that if Aaron is going to talk to Axel about the mating bond, then I should be part of that
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conversation..
But I can’t stand to hear again how Axel doesn’t want anything to do with me.
Experiencing the pain from Axel rejecting the mating bond hurt enough.
I don’t need to be humiliated on top of that.
